I wrote in this blog yesterday that I spent 38 years as an office worker in a concentration camp, because I felt like I couldn't be saved unless I thought about the corporate environment that killed me and turned my life into a huge waste.
Trapped within the company, invisible coercive forces were at work around the clock on human relationships within the organization. I had to endure humiliation such as power harassment from the president and mounting from her younger boss.
To endure the humiliation, my last defense was not to think about anything. But suddenly, a scene from the past comes back to life. What was there will never disappear. Suddenly, the words that the president spoke to me struck me as very true. You are our servant, he said.
Ever since I was born, I had never been called by anyone, not even my parents, but I had been called by the president once. For a while I couldn't understand why I had to be called that.
``Why do I have to call you that?'' It would have been better if I had been stupid enough to be that reckless, but since I'm a serious person, I looked to myself for the cause. Since I didn't report it, it seemed appropriate to be called that. Is it really that much of a criticism just because you don't report it? Are we obligated to report everything we do at any time?
``Am I your servant?'' At that moment, I was shocked to realize that the world I belonged to up until that point was a different, old, distorted, and rigid world from the one I had imagined. And so.
I could feel the world around me falling apart with a crashing sound. It was a life event that he really didn't expect. For me, there was no more fulfilling time than the two years I spent struggling to rebuild myself.
After all, all I had to think about was being freed from that old world, so I had no hesitation. I feel like this period is a drama given only to me. Looking back on it now, it seems paradoxical, but what I was doing was clear and I enjoyed it.
Let's call internalization the act of breaking away from the constraints of the company and returning to a free existence. The internalized self is one's own, and the process of re-creating it begins. What I started by building a wall based on the president's words was to create myself. It can also be called the world of the soul. That's when I was in the zone and hooked.
A living, biological human being is a creation of your parents, but a person who creates yourself according to your own will is, so to speak, an artificial human being. You are an imaginative human being who becomes human through thought.
I became obsessed with creating an imaginative person inside me. When I imagined that I could be anything, what kind of person would I become? I didn't have any concrete ideas about wanting to be popular with women or being rich. I wanted to be someone different.
